Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Submitted by: Nick Henry, ESL teacher in Korea
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6
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically correct" and discuss it.
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7
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by: Anonymous
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8
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
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9
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
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10
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Submitted by: Chris Fisher
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11
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Submitted by: Genti Biraci
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12
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous
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13
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Submitted by: Freshteh Sadeghi
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14
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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15
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
Submitted by: Willaim Greaves
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16
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Submitted by: Fred
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17
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)
Submitted by: Jillian H.
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18
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
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19
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau

Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. 帕特在别人家看见过小宝宝，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个小宝宝的消息感到不悦。

One evening Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival. "This house won't be big enough for use all when the baby comes," said Mr. Taylor. 一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降临做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了小宝宝，我们的房子就太小，不够住了。”

Pat came into the room just then and said, "What are you talking about?""We were saying that we'll have to move to another house now, because the new baby's coming," his mother answered. 帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们得搬家了，因为小宝宝就要来了。”

"It's no use," said Pat hopelessly, "He'll follow us there." “那有什么用？”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”

 有个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。在那里，他看见有只鹦鹉的左腿被红线系住，右腿则被绿线系住。对此他感到不解，于是他问该店的老板，老板回答说：“这只鹦鹉受过特殊的训练。如果拉红线，它就讲法语，拉绿线，它则讲德语。” 这个好奇的人接着问，“要是我两条线都拉，会怎么样呢？” “我就会掉下来了，你这个傻瓜！！”鹦鹉尖叫着说。

Notes:

　　(1) coach n.教练

　　(2) baseball n.棒球

　　(3) bat v.（用棒）击

　　(4) plate n.（棒球）本垒

　　(5) emerge v.出现

　　(6) dugout n.隐蔽壕

　　(7) umpire n.裁判员

　　He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

　　  医生住在楼下

　　“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。

　　“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

　　他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

VOICE ONE:

This is SCIENCE IN THE NEWS in VOA Special English. I'm Bob Doughty.

VOICE TWO:

And, I'm Barbara Klein. This week, we will tell about efforts against the H1N1 virus, often called swine flu. We will give a possible explanation for why some people may have an increased risk of developing diseases like diabetes and asthma. And we will tell about a study that confirms the importance of first impressions.

(MUSIC)

VOICE ONE:

The H1N1 influenza virus continues to spread. Currently, the virus is most active in the northern half of the world. But experts say it has become the leading flu virus in all countries.

No one really knows how many people have gotten sick. H1N1 was first reported in Mexico in April. Countries are no longer required to test and report individual cases. But close to five hundred million confirmed cases were reported to the World Health organization as of November first.

The W.H.O. offices for the Americas and the Western Pacific reported two out of three of those cases. The agency says more than six thousand people worldwide have died because of H-one N-one.  
 

		The Saudi Arabian Health Minister gives his 8-year-old daughter the swine flu vaccine in Riyadh

VOICE TWO:

W.H.O. special adviser Keiji Fukuda reported earlier this month that the virus has acted in some ways like seasonal flu. Most people recover without any need for interventions like antiviral drugs.

But in other ways, H1N1 is different. It remained at unusually high levels in several countries during their summer months. And, unlike seasonal flu, younger people have suffered many of the serious cases and deaths from the virus.

In the United States, cases of suspected influenza are at higher numbers than usual this early in the flu season. Experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say hospital treatment for likely H1N1 is most common among children up to four years old.

VOICE ONE:

Health officials around the world are concerned about vaccine production. Wealthy countries have promised to donate ten percent of their H1N1 vaccine to poor countries. But there is a worldwide shortage.

The traditional way to make flu vaccine is to grow the virus in chicken eggs. Anthony Fauci at the National Institutes of Health says the shortage is an issue of biology. He says the companies that make vaccines cannot really do much when they have a virus that does not grow well.

VOICE TWO:

Officials in Saudi Arabia are preparing for the Hajj, which starts this week. The event normally brings about three million Muslims from one hundred sixty countries to the city of Mecca.

Disease experts are concerned that H1N1 could spread easily among the Muslim pilgrims. Saudi officials have a campaign to give vaccines to health workers. They are also urging countries to vaccinate pilgrims making the trip. And they are advising against travel by children, pregnant women and other groups at highest risk.

(MUSIC)

VOICE ONE:

Swedish researchers have found that babies born by Caesarean section experience changes to the genes in their white blood cells. A published report says the genetic changes could be linked to stress levels during this method of giving birth.

The report says the changes could explain why persons born by Caesarean section are more likely to get diseases like diabetes and asthma later in life. Those diseases affect the immune system – the body's natural resistance to disease.

VOICE TWO:

Researchers at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden tested blood from the umbilical cords of thirty-seven newborn babies. The researchers tested the blood again three to five days later. They examined DNA-methylation in the white blood cells. DNA methylation shows chemical changes in a person's deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA.

The study found that sixteen babies born by C-section had higher DNA-methylation rates immediately after they were born than the other babies. Three to five days later, the rates were about the same. The reason for this is unclear.

VOICE ONE:

Earlier animal studies showed that emotional or mental tension around birth affects methylation of the genes. Experts say babies are unprepared for birth when a doctor performs a C-section. As a result, those babies can have higher stress levels than those born without the help of the operation.

In other births, emotional or mental tension increases slowly as the woman's labor progresses. This helps the baby to start breathing and get settled in the new environment outside the mother.

Professor Mikael Norman of the Karolinska Institute helped to write the report. He says C-section births have been linked to an increased risk of allergic reactions, diabetes and leukemia later in life. The study appeared earlier this year in the publication Acta Paediatrica.

VOICE TWO:

The researchers say the discovery could be important to a debate about Cesarean-section deliveries. Births by C-section are increasing worldwide. It is currently the most common surgical operation among women of reproductive age.

America's Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says caesarean births rose to nearly thirty-two percent of all births in two thousand seven. This was the eleventh time in eleven years that rates have increased. But some experts believe that many of the C-sections are not medically necessary.

(MUSIC)

VOICE ONE:

Many people have learned as children that first impressions are important. Parents and other adults often say that people judge you by the way you look.

Now, American and British researchers have confirmed that judgments based only on how someone looks are important. They found that appearance tells a lot about your personality -- the traits or qualities that make you the person that you are.

The researchers included Laura Naumann of Sonoma State University in California, and Simine Vazire of Washington University in Saint Louis, Missouri. They were joined by Sam Gosling of the University of Texas at Austin and Peter J. Rentfrow of Britain's Cambridge University. The results of their study will be published next month in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

VOICE TWO:

We will call the subjects in the study, the judges. That is because they judged the personality of people they had never met. The judges examined pictures of one hundred twenty-three people. The people in the photographs had been told how to stand. They looked into the cameras with a neutral facial expression. The same people also were photographed the way they themselves wanted to stand. Those who wanted to smile could smile.

Then the judges attempted to decide what the people were like. The researchers compared the judges' opinions with the way the people who were photographed rated themselves. Three people who knew those in the photographs well also provided information about their personality and behavior.

VOICE ONE:

The judges looked for ten traits in the people in the pictures. The qualities included extroversion, or interest in other people and one's environment. Another important trait was self-esteem: Does the person feel good about himself or herself?

The judges also looked for signs of likeability, openness and agreeability. Other traits considered in the study were loneliness, and religious and political beliefs. Other considerations were emotional control and conscientiousness -- the quality of being guided by a sense of right and wrong.

VOICE TWO:

The researchers said the judges could identify some personality traits even when people were pictured in controlled positions. They could recognize traits like extroversion and self-esteem. But it was hard for the judges to decide about most other traits under the controlled conditions.

When the people smiled and stood looking natural and energetic, however, judging their personalities was easy. Then the judges' choices were correct for nine of the ten personality traits.

Researcher Laura Nauman noted that we live in a time of social media, and personal photographs are everywhere. She says it is important to understand how appearance communicates personality. If you want people to see you as warm and friendly, she says, just smile.

(MUSIC)

VOICE ONE:

This SCIENCE IN THE NEWS was written by June Simms, Jerilyn Watson and Caty Weaver. Our producer was Brianna Blake. I'm Bob Doughty.

VOICE TWO:

And I'm Barbara Klein. Join us again next week for more news about science in Special English on the Voice of America.

Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.

"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"

One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"

"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."

原来如此

吉米三岁开始画画，五岁时已经画得很好了。他画了很多美丽而有趣的画，人们出高价购买。他们说，“这个孩子长大一点肯定会出名，我们可以靠这些画大赚一笔。”

吉米的画与众不同。因为他从来不在整张纸上作画。他只画一半的纸，而另一半他总空着。

“构思多么巧妙啊!”大家都说，“从来没有人这么做过。”

有一天，一个人买了吉米的画，然后问他：“请告诉我，吉米，你为什么总是在纸的下半部分画画，而不是在纸的上半部分？”

吉米说，“因为我个头小，够不着上面。”